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Friday, April 17, 2009

Hey, it's news to someone...

Here's what's going on today...

Toronto Blue Jays are unstoppable

The most beloved perennial disappointment in my life for the past 15 years has been the Toronto Blue Jays baseball club. This year they've gotten off to a tremendous 8-3 start to the season. That record is good enough for second in all of the major leagues. So until the wheels come off their weak rotation and the bats inevitably fall flat, it's Let's Go Blue Jays. At least I'm not some retard Yankees fan. Observe...


Tori Spelling's tits are really deteriorating

Some would say that I've been harsh on this talentless, coat tail riding, ugly-as-sin, racehorse impersonator, but I say fuck that; let's take a look at her weird tits...

Ewwwwww! Look at that gap between those breasts. Where did she get her plastic surgery? At David Letterman's dentist? Aside from that gap, let's talk about why they look like two pool balls. If that's how boobs are supposed to be shaped, I have slept with some weird looking girls over the years.

John Madden retires from broadcasting to spend more time eating food

After an accomplished career in football play-by-play, John Madden has decided to now focus on consuming food on a full time basis.

"For me, the move was easy. Six out of seven nights you have a ham in the fridge and BOOM! there's also apple sauce," says a famished Madden while waiting in line at Dairy Queen, "then you got the pastas. Fettuccine, spaghetti, rigatoni some times I like to put some chicken wings on there and POW! two meatballs converge on my plate and try to sack my appetite but I've prepared for this, I had a big breakfast, the meatballs don't stand a chance and you have to know that Sara Lee cherry cheesecake is waiting on the sidelines just itching to get in but then..."

At that point, John was asked to stop speaking which was a relief to everyone including John Madden.

4 comments:

Maxi Cane said...

I have a video of a soul less crack whore being gang raped by a smell the fart acting donkey.
If you look closely, you can see the moment that Tori Spelling is concieved.

She's dirt.

buffalodick said...

Fake tits are like bass lures- the bass know they aren't real, they just can't help themselves....

blaine_fridley said...

hahahahaha @ maxi. well done.

Steve Williams said...

Someone's been spending time at the Tit-R-Us clearance aisle again.